Dating While Coming Out: Go at Your Own Pace

Dating while coming out is two big journeys at once. You are figuring out how to share who you are with the people in your life, and at the same time you are figuring out how to date in a way that finally feels like you. That can be thrilling, scary, joyful and exhausting, sometimes in the same afternoon. Here is the most important thing to know: there is no deadline. You get to go at your own pace.

Coming out is your story, on your schedule

Coming out is not one big announcement. For most people it is a series of moments, with different people, over time. You might be fully out with friends, partly out at work and not out with family yet. That is common, and it is okay.

Nobody, including a date, gets to rush you. Being out to more people is not a measure of how valid you are. You are already who you are.

Dating while coming out: what to expect

A few feelings come up for a lot of people:

• Feeling like a beginner. If you dated before in a way that did not fit, this can feel like being a teenager again. That is normal, and it can be fun.
• Worrying you are "not queer enough." There is no test. Your identity is yours, whatever your history.
• Big emotions on dates. A first date with someone who truly gets it can be surprisingly moving.
• Mixed reactions from others. Some people will celebrate you. Some may need time. Some may not be kind, and that is about them.

Set your own pace

Pace is not just about how fast a relationship moves. It is about how much you share, where you go and who you tell. Some questions to ask yourself:

1. Am I comfortable being seen on a date in my own neighborhood, or would I rather start a little further from home?
2. Do I want to keep early dating private for now?
3. What do I want: friendship, dating, something serious, or just to explore?
4. What feels like too much, too soon?

Write down your answers and let them change. Your pace this month does not have to be your pace next year.

What to share with a date, and when

You do not owe anyone your whole coming out story on a first date. You can share as little or as much as feels right. Some easy ways to put it:

• "I'm pretty new to dating as the real me, so bear with me if I'm nervous."
• "I am out to my friends but not my family yet, so I'd like to keep things low-key for now."
• "I'm still figuring out a lot, and I'm enjoying it."

A good date will hear that with kindness. Many of them have been exactly where you are. If someone teases you, pressures you, or threatens to share your business, that is a clear sign to walk away.

And be thoughtful in return. If your date is not out everywhere, ask before posting photos or tagging them, and follow their lead about what is private.

Build a support crew

Dating is better with people in your corner. A support crew gives you somewhere to celebrate a great date and somewhere to land after a bad one.

• Friends who already know and love you.
• LGBTQ+ community centers, social groups and peer support groups, in person or online.
• Affirming counselors or coaches if you want someone to talk things through with.
• Queer friends who have been through it and are happy to share what helped.

If you want help with confidence and self-love along the way, UR-Amazing.org is Dawn's self-help home for exactly that.

Stay safe while you explore

Safety matters for everyone, and it matters even more when you are not out to everyone yet:

• Meet in public for the first couple of dates, and arrive and leave on your own.
• Tell a trusted friend where you are going.
• Be careful with photos and personal details in the early days.
• Trust your gut. You can leave any date, any time.

Find a room where you can just be you

One of the best things about dating while coming out is discovering how good it feels to be in a room where you do not have to explain yourself. That is why we created Pride Time, our speed dating for LGBTQ+ singles 21 and over in Las Vegas. Gay, lesbian, bi, trans, nonbinary, queer and questioning are all welcome. Dawn teaches a short lesson on engaging and complimenting first, then you meet people one timed date at a time, with the host nearby. Our rules are short: be kind, be honest, take no for an answer, and expect the same back.

New Pride Time dates are coming soon. Register free to hear first, and read more about LGBTQ+ speed dating in Las Vegas.